growing pains

WARNING: I am totally transparent in this post.

I am in a dark place tonight, and can't seem to shake the overwhelming feelings of regret, failure, and embarrassment.

It has been almost four years since I became a widow, and I feel like I have LOST those years. When my husband died, I let everything go. And, I do mean everything. I'm just now relaunching my business and trying to get my life back together.
I feel like I am not where I should be. Not where I want to be. Not where I am meant to be.
I feel like I have let myself down.
I feel like I have failed.
I feel embarrassed by my lack of moving on.
I've done well emotionally, but I've had trouble getting back up and LIVING the life that God created me for.

I loathe feeling like this.
Feeling like my life is weighing on my shoulders.
Feeling angry at myself and my situation.

All of this toxic stuff has been bubbling up inside of me for a few days now. I just can't keep a Rubbermaid-tight grip on it tonight, and it is festering and oozing out of me in the form of tears, snot, and words.

I have felt the gravity of my grief for so long, that I am not even sure that I know how to live in a new normal. All of the changes that I am making in my life right now are really good and exciting, but DANG, growing HURTS. And, growing alone... really. sucks.

My life was always so much easier with my husband. I had a partner to give me support, encouragement, and love me when I failed.

His memory has been in heavy rotation this week. All of these great things are going on, and he is not here to experience them with me. I am also SUPER hormonal, and having a tough time with the 4th anniversary that is coming up soon.
How the hell has it been 4 years?!
Where did that time go? And, not in the cliche, "time goes by so fast" kind of way. Really... Where did it go?

This grey haze that I have been in has me thinking about my lack of a "life." Romantically, professionally, and maternally. All of the precious things that I had envisioned for myself.

On Oprah this week, Rosie O'Donnell said she was "stepping out of her history and into her present." Which is EXACTLY what I have been doing the past few weeks.
Part of me is looking forward to all of the good and fruitful things that will come with this growth, and part of me is mourning again.
Mourning that piece of me that I'm letting go. My grief has become such an emotional security blanket. I know that sounds weird. But, there was something cathartic about being in that "place." The place where I could live in my "widowhood." Live in the life that WE created. Creating a new life alone is scary, and makes me a bit sad for the one that I am leaving behind. But, I would not be the woman that I am today without those achingly painful experiences.

I'm just so overwhelmed...

I apologize for all of the emotional vomit.
And for not having a direct stream of consciousness throughout this post.
I had to get it out.

Ugh.
Spewing my deepest thoughts and being this transparent makes me feel so vulnerable and silly. And, exhausted. I pray that sweet, dreamless sleep washes over me soon.

Okay, I am packing up the pity party.
The streamers, balloons, and noise makers are put away.

More to come on all of the "good stuff" that I babbled on about. And, it is really good, too!