rules of houston

I don't usually post funny, frivolous stuff, but this has been a rough week and I need a laugh.
I received this post, via email, from a dear friend that recently moved from Houston to San Antonio.

If you are from the Houston area, be prepared to giggle!
If you are not a Texan, then you will probably have no idea what is going on in this great state of ours!

Rules of Houston:
H-Town, 3rd Coast, Bayou City, or whatever you wanna call it.

**My comments are in red.**

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name.
It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun."
Oh yea, and the street, San Felipe, is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not "San Phil-eep."

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Houston has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray!
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston . We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning, and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m.
The evening rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

7. "Kuykendahl Road" can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
**Sounds like: KIRK-IN-DOLL**

8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59, and Loop 610 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained foul smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown !" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City !"
**People, that is the smell of money! Oil refineries in action and employing our neighbors, family, and friends.**

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair, in pink Cadillacs, have total right-of-way.

12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.

13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is ornamental.

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with a bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading."
In fact, don't honk at anyone.
**That is an actual bumper sticker seen frequently around here. And, yes, most Texans carry guns and support 2nd amendment rights. You've heard the phrase "Don't Mess with Texas?" Now you know why!**
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not "waving" when they go by.

16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.

17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
**SERIOUSLY.**

18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana .

19. If you live in Katy, and I live on the south side of Houston, we'll never hang out.
**I miss you, Joy!**

20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 a.m., is that Whataburger will serve both breakfast and dinner menus.
**Pronounced "WHAT-A-BURGER" on commercials. When we say it (fast), it sounds like "WATER BURGER." Oh, and their ketchup ROCKS MY SOCKS!**

21. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.

22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else.
This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.

23. Elsewhere, they are called frontage roads.
Here, in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use the loop-d-loop."
**The first time I had ever heard of a "frontage road" was in college! And, I had to ask what it was!**

Please visit anytime!!!
If you live in the area, leave me a comment so that I know you where here! :)

Images from Google Images.
"Whataburger 24 Hours" from awrhodes84's Flickr Photostream